10 Years Reflection

This #10YearsChallenge has gone viral on social media for the last couple of months already. I posted the upset-funny-looking photo of mine sharing my experience about self-confidence and how I overcame some of my insecurities. But after that day, I have been reflecting a lot on what I have achieved and failed during these past 10 years.

So I thought I'd share them all (well, I mean, not all but as much as I can recall) here today. Year by year.

Warning- long post ahead.

2010: Rebellion

My high school view

Choosing the Maths and Science Program in high school, I always thought it was one of the mistakes I have ever made in history. Back then I always lived my life following other people's expectations because, for sure, they wanted nothing but the best for me. But sometimes, it doesn't seem to work that way.

So in the middle of 2010, for the first time that I felt alive again. I got accepted into a college in an art program called Children's Literature. During the admission period, I argued with mom over this decision again and again it felt like forever. But this time I had to stand up steadier for myself. I would never ever make the wrong decision again. And I am still glad until today that I was strong enough to follow the path I actually wanted, not for anyone else, but for myself.

So looking back, I wouldn't say it was a mistake after all. No, I wasn't happy with the choice I made but neither did I regret it. It gave me a big life lesson I will never forget. I learned to stand up for myself because only I can save me.

2011: A lot to adjust

I found this photo thinking- sis, why so serious? That's just ice cream!!

There were so many things that I had to adjust during my sophomore year. It took me at least 4 hours back and forth go to class in Bangkok just because of heavy traffic. I never had to deal with people rushing and pushing you around just so they could get on a bus. Now talking about classes, the course got more intense. I had to study some classes with different classmates who I never knew before. Going to classes 5 days a week in such long hours, studying with people you were not so comfortable with, dealing with all uni activities, coming back with loads of homework, and did it all over again was so exhausting mentally and physically.

And I didn't mention that my family moving out of our first house yet. So no more comfort zone even when I came back home... I felt lonely and stressed out with these changes all of sudden. So many changes at a time gave me such a very tough year.

I still don't know how I dealt with that after all. But I guess time makes everything a little better or at least allows me to get used to difficult things.

2012: Work hard, play hard

Me before the concert started. And yes, I dyed my hair orange xD

I was a huge fan of K-Pop. If there was one thing that helped me cope with all of the stresses in 2011, I would definitely give all credits to K-Pop. Watching reality shows or performances or just listening to music by artists that I loved was so healing from a tough day. I felt so inspired by all Korean idols through their efforts and hard works. So I did the same. I remembered that it was a year that I went hard on studying. I was stronger and nothing could stop me. That was the 'work hard' part.

And It came to the 'play hard' when I had a very tight schedule with my study. Then, 2 of my favorite bands announced their concert in Bangkok! As a broke uni student like me, paying 2 concert tickets for 2 bands at the same time was a nightmare for my piggy bank. I was so stressed but I also wanted to see them perform with my two own eyes so I went for it. Though I had like 3-4 projects and several exams during that period, I didn't miss a chance to meet my beloved ones. And I never regret it at all.

And guess who got such a good grade that year? ME!! I was so proud of myself that my hard works paid off so well. Big thanks to all my K-idols!

2013: First love and heartbreak

I didn't mention that in late 2012, I had made a strong bonding with someone virtually. It was so weird and so strange that I had such strong feelings for a person who I never met in real life before. I guess I was just young and free and reckless at that time.

I met him on a chatting site. It was the longest decent interesting conversation I ever had with someone I met online who 1) spoke a different language from mine 2) was 5 years younger than me. After we left the chat, I didn't think much of it. He somehow found my contact and we were in touch since then. I didn't know when I started to have a crush on him because everything just went so naturally. But we ended up liking each other even we never met in person.

And because we were so young (and he was even younger), that feeling didn't last for so long, especially for him. But I was still stuck in the air. I couldn't move on. I held on to that feeling so tight. I had a first love and heartbreak in less than 6 months. I cried for days, weeks, months. I knew that I looked and sounded so pathetic but I couldn't get over the fact that it was actually over.

2014: Self-love

That first love and heartbreak played a very important role in my life, to be honest. While I was sad and all, I started to doubt myself. Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Is it because he's had enough of me? Is it because of the distance- well, probably? Is it because of this? Is it because of that?

I was so miserable and drown in my insecurities. It took me even more than a year to actually stand up strong again. I hated that I was so sad and couldn't move on. It wasn't 'so me' compared to a hard-working-girl in 2012. Then I started to realize the fact that I once acknowledged before; no one can save me if I don't save myself.

And I slowly looked at myself in a mirror differently. I started to accept my appearance. I started exploring makeup and dressing up in different styles to see what they could offer me. I started to love myself more. I started to feel more confident under my own skin. And my attitude regarding my miserable emotions changed. I accepted sadness if I felt sad. I cried if I felt like to. I've learned that nothing is certain. One day you can be so sad, but there will be a day that you can count on that it's your day.

2015: Beginning of the adult world

I played a story on a children's day :)

After I graduated, I didn't look for a job right away. I was lucky enough to be able to help my professor with his research with some good friends. Then we had an opportunity to set our own company dedicating to children's media. I was so passionate about what I've studied for 4 years and I couldn't wait to comply with all of those experiences and knowledge into amazing works for children out there.

But did I ever be ready for the adult world? The answer was no. I had no clue with documenting, billing, marketing, dealing with vendors, or negotiating with clients. We all were so naive with business and such. Some days were fun and enjoyable to work with good friends and to invest time in things you were so into. But there were days when the world tried to weight you down. After the sponsorship from our clients ended, we decided that it would be better for us all to take it down for good. So that we could go out and learn more about what this adult world could offer us.

Though it ended, I am still so proud of myself (and my friends) to be so brave to start our own company at such a young age.

2016: Corporate world

By the first quarter of the year, I worked in a big company in CSR Department. It was so different from where I came from. It was so exciting and stressful at the same time. But luckily, I have got such good colleagues to help and guide me throughout processes that could be struggling for me. We got along very well since the age difference was not so big. That was the best thing about working in the company.

It was a year that I had been given opportunities to work on so many different projects. I was eager to learn and work hard to make myself proud. But it took a lot of sacrifices. Traveling to work in Bangkok was draining me already. Then it came sleepless nights and overtime hours and so many changes. Let alone all the dramas all year around. Don't get me wrong. I appreciated every single opportunity in any aspect. But it was stressful and tiring that I started to doubt myself if that was all I was worth.

2017: So many first times

Keep in mind that I was in the stage of doubting everything I was doing in life. Then here it came the day my family told me that we had to move out. While I was busy with duties as an employee, I had to rush running all paperwork to get a house loan because our time to move was running out. I remember myself getting very sick from all of the weight on my shoulders. Was I ready for it? Of course not. My health went downhill mentally and physically. But I managed to buy my very first house. Yay, first house, first fat debt!

And when I mention 'so many first times', I'm not even kidding. Who knows that the guy I liked would come to see me in my home country (again) and ask me to be his girlfriend? He was (and still is lol) my first boyfriend ever. Back then I never really developed relationships with anyone into the 'more serious' point before. So I was super worried about this. I was so afraid to get hurt if it didn't go well again. I didn't want to be that miserable girl again. But I just knew that if I ever wanted to start a serious relationship with someone. It's gotta be him :)

And another 'first time' would be that I traveled internationally for the first time. I wouldn't into more detail because I have written it in the blog post here :)

2018: Second jobber

I got my (actual) second job by February this year. For more than a year of doubting my ability to offer the world, I realized it was time I moved forward. Definitely, I was so self-conscious starting new again. But working in that company allowed me to know my worth that I could do better than what I was doing there. So when I had the opportunity, I grabbed it tight (shakingly lol.)

So it was a year that I discovered a lot of myself. This year played a huge role in me. I got to work with people who respected and appreciated me for me. I got to help people who couldn't help themselves. Even though there were so many challenges but I knew my purpose. I knew what and why I was doing it. I knew that my hard works would pay off to those beneficiaries. I gained more self-esteem and confidence I didn't know I had before.

2019: Feeling isolated

This came to a year where I have been fully supporting my family by myself alone. My dad no longer worked. My mom quit the job since I wasn't born. And my brother was still unemployed. All responsibilities, all bills, and all expenses depended on me. I hated it when people mentioning about money doesn't buy happiness. Well, maybe said by ones with an abundance of money that could be true. The fact is, having no money sucks.

And I was so stressed that I couldn't provide for my family better than what I was making back then. I started to feel very isolated from them. I didn't want to talk to them because all topics seemed to relate to money. Money for this. Money for that. Money for everything. The money I made that would never be enough for anything in this world.

It took me a while to get better. My brother got a job. Then, I started to open up with mom and dad so they had more understandings of what I thought or planned for all of us. Throughout this stage of my life, I would like to thank my friends and boyfriend who have been very so comforting and supportive. They are the ones who keep me sane.

Last but not least, uncertainty

Here it comes to the presence. With all of the uncertainty right now, it is very challenging for me to tell where in life I will be or want to be just yet. I know that it will be another stressful year of mine that I will never be ready for it. But looking back, I was never ready for anything and I've been sailing all the way to 2020 now. And I will sail my broken ship through 2020 as well.

But one thing so certain is that I am turning 28 today. So happy birthday to me :)